Originally published 17 May 2020.
I had a major anxiety episode yesterday.
It’s very hard for me to admit that; I’d been doing very well lately, especially considering all the recent unpleasantness with COVID-19, so this setback was especially galling. But despite how disappointed I am that it happened, I need to be kind to myself. Dealing with anxiety is a journey. It’s not necessarily something you can just cure. You’ll have good times and bad times. You’ll go through long stretches of time with little to no anxiety, and you’ll start to feel like maybe you have this thing licked. And then something will happen (or a lot of little things will build up) and the next thing you know, you’re back where you started.
There’s something incorrect in what I just said. Do you know what it is? It’s the bit about being “back where you started.” That is not true, and is a dangerous way to think when you have a setback. If you think you’ve gone back to where you started, you’ve just mentally erased all of the great progress you made while you were feeling strong. You’ve just discounted all the times you felt a pang of anxiety but decided not to let it rule you, and moved on anyway. You’ve turned up your nose at the victories you won when that little voice in your ear said, “What if this happens?” and your reply was, “Oh, shut up, I don’t have time for you today.” You’ve just decided that all the lessons you learned in your journey were wrong and need to be thrown away. In other words, you’re lying to yourself.
You are not back where you started. You’re in a new, wiser place. Some lessons are learned through victories, but others are learned through struggles and through what can look like losses. Yesterday, I relearned the lesson that not all panic attacks look alike. I had subconsciously decided that panic meant a racing heart, cold sweats, and rapid breathing. But that wasn’t what happened yesterday. Yesterday, I just felt stuck.
I’ve talked about how prayer and meditation can help you deal with anxiety. I still believe that. But yesterday, I was trying so hard to lean into God, and I just felt separated from Him. I couldn’t “find Him.” I was praying, reading devotionals, and singing worship songs, but I still felt miserable. And then I felt miserable for feeling miserable, because there was nothing physically wrong with me and objectively, everything in my life was fine. So why was I feeling like this? Why was I being so ungrateful to God for all He had done for me, and for all He was doing currently? The more I tried to lean into Him, the worse I felt. I couldn’t break out of the loop of misery, guilt, and regret. I couldn’t move; I couldn’t do anything but lie there and cry. And apologize for crying, and cry some more.
Finally, I called my Mom, and she gave the best possible advice. “Be still.” Psalm 46:10 says, “Be still and know that I am God.” She told me that I was trying so hard to pray and read and sing that I wasn’t hearing God. I needed to calm down and listen for Him. She told me to take one of my panic pills and take a nap. “When you wake up, your mind will have had time to hear Him and calm down, and you’ll be able to move forward.”
And she was right. I needed to stop striving and just be still. Sometimes, when you just can’t follow the advice to keep moving, don’t. Stop and be still. Let your mind rest. I personally have a prescription of Lorazepam (generic of Ativan) that chemically calms me down and switches off my fear response. I use them when I have panic attacks, and now I know I can use them for “stuck” situations.
If you think you might benefit from a prescription, talk to your doctor about the anxiety you feel. He or she can help you find a medication that works for you. However, you don’t have to use medication, if you’re not comfortable with the idea. Instead, try to find other ways to help yourself slow down. Try drinking a soothing tea, or using aromatherapy. Maybe play music or a soothing sound such as waves on a beach, or a crackling fireplace. Get to know yourself and begin to build a “be still” toolkit that you can get to at any time. Buy a mild tea or a flavored decaf coffee and keep that on hand. Experiment to find out what kinds of scents relax you and invest in an essential oil diffuser. (I favor lavender, Frankincense, and clary sage.) Would a bubble bath help? Buy bubbles in a scent you love. Maybe get a bath bomb or two. Be okay with pampering yourself for a while and giving yourself space to breathe. Sometimes you need a “reset” before you can begin to rationalize things away.
And finally, be okay with not being okay. No one has it together 100% of the time. If anyone says they do, they’re lying. When you have a bad day, acknowledge it, learn from it, and when you’re ready, move on. Love yourself, be kind to yourself, and remember that your journey is far from over. You’re not back where you started, and you won’t go back. You’ll keep moving forward, even if it means sometimes you have to be still. That, too, is part of the journey.
With love,
Christie
