Originally published 29 December 2013.
I realized recently that a large part of my anxiety has to do with control. Or rather, a lack thereof. This realization came as I spoke to my counselor about two anxiety incidents I’d had. One, I was able to conquer pretty quickly with logical thinking and deep breathing. The other refused to go away and I ended up having to medicate. He asked me what the difference was between the two situations. What had I been anxious about and why was I able to shake off one so easily while the other required chemical assistance?
One of the anxiety incidents was because of marks of some sort on my hand. I looked down and saw what could have been dry spots or a kind of scabbing. And immediately I got flustered and anxious. I felt the feeling coming on and quickly closed my eyes, beginning to breathe deeply. “Relax,” I told myself. “So you have weird spots on your hand. Okay, so what? It looks like dry spots, in which case you use a lot of lotion over the next few days and they’ll go away. Otherwise, it’s scabbing. You scraped your hand without realizing it and it scabbed over. Scabs heal. There is nothing about this that is in any way health- or life-threatening. So just relax.” I kept up than mantra for a few minutes, breathing deeply, and the anxious feelings went away.
The other situation was while I was away from home, visiting the DC-Metro area for two weeks. I started to get a scratchy throat and realized I was becoming ill with a cold. Instant anxiety. I was away from home, working while away and couldn’t take any time off work. The last cold I’d had was a bad one–the kind that knocks you out for several days, in bed and hardly able to move. I couldn’t afford for that to happen now, both because of work and also because I was staying with a friend and was terrified of inconveniencing her. I tried deep breathing and telling myself that “what will be will be, so there’s no point stewing about it,” but couldn’t calm down. In the end, I had to take my meds.
So, where does the control come in? In the first situation, I could put on lotion and/or Neosporin to speed the healing of my hand. I had a measure of control in the outcome of that situation. I also knew with almost 100% certainty how the situation would resolve. My hand would heal. The end. However, in the second situation, there was absolutely nothing I could do to avoid the cold. I also had no idea how bad it would be and how it would affect me. Because of that lack of control and the uncertainty, I couldn’t shake the anxiety and it escalated until I needed help to calm the attack.
That said, what can I do now that I realize I have control issues? I can deliberately put myself in situations where I lack control. I need to start small, as the idea is to begin to teach myself that being out of control doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Very rarely are we in total control of our lives, and if we get anxious whenever we’re not in control, we’ll be anxious a heck of a lot!
One way I’ve thought about experimenting in this is to allow someone else to plan an outing. I have to pick someone who’s a bit of a free spirit, and who doesn’t plan things as thoroughly as I do. I need to ut myself in that person’s hands and just go with the flow. It has to be someone I trust fully. there can’t be any kid of real danger involved or it defeats the purpose of teaching me that lack of control isn’t be definition bad.
I haven’t thought of any other ways to learn this lesson yet. My counselor suggested writing down a bunch of things to do and putting them in a hat, then drawing them randomly. Which I get in theory, but since I would have picked the things I don’t think it would be enough. At any rate, I will be thinking a lot in the coming weeks about control and lack thereof. How can I learn to be content even when I can’t control the outcome of something? What are some ways I can ease myself into situations in which I lack control, so I can begin to see that it’s okay sometimes?
In the meantime, until I learn that lesson I will have anxiety spikes centered around lack of control. I had another one today, actually. I didn’t need my meds but my tummy went off and I had to do a lot of deep breathing and relaxing to get back on an even keel.
When you think of what causes your spikes, does control have anything to do with it? If so, what are some ways you can begin to accept your lack of control over your life? How can you learn to accept that lack of control? If you think of anything good, let me know!
