Originally published 28 February 2021.
Have you ever been minding your own business, maybe in the shower or washing dishes, humming to yourself and thinking about nothing in particular, when an unpleasant memory from the past suddenly rears its ugly head? And does your heart sink and start to beat a bit faster, as you feel like you want to sink into the floor in guilt, embarrassment, or shame, just as acute as it was the day the memory happened?
I have. I’ve struggled with that for years. I had a rough time with my peers growing up—I never quite fit in, and it led to some pretty awkward encounters. Even as an adult, I’ve done things I regretted later, and these memories can pop up and blindside me at any time.
I used to try to push them away. Those feelings of embarrassment and shame were so bad, I’d shut my eyes and frantically try to chase the memories away, shoving them back down into the deepest part of my brain. “Don’t think about that, think about something else! Disney! Kittens! That song you like! Into the UNKNOOOOOOOOOWN!!!” And each time, I’d wrestle that memory into submission and sigh in relief that I’d conquered it once again.
But I hadn’t conquered it, I’d just hidden it. And the memory would pop up again days, weeks, or months later, just as painful as it was the first, second, and third time I relived it.
And it was only this year that I finally had an epiphany. If I keep pushing these memories and feelings away instead of actually dealing with the emotions, this will just continue to happen. When my guard is down, or when I hear a word or see a sight that triggers the memory, it will slither back up into the forefront of my mind, complete with all the original negativity—the shame, the guilt, the embarrassment. Pushing the thought away and burying the emotions under distractions isn’t helping me at all. It’s hurting me. It’s keeping me from moving forward. I need to face these memories, face the emotions they bring up, and work through them. That’s the only way to conquer them.
I’ll give you an example. My maternal grandmother, my Nana, left me a beautiful gold necklace. It was a simple gold chain with a butterfly , and in the middle of the butterfly was a gemstone. I really liked this necklace. I wore it all the time, only taking it off when I had my monthly massages.
One morning, I was getting ready for the day, and looked into the mirror as I was brushing my teeth. The necklace was not on my neck. I had a moment of complete panic. Okay, more than a moment. Where was it? When had it fallen off? I tore through my apartment looking for it, but couldn’t find it. It was just gone. Nana’s necklace was gone.
I felt horrible. She had specifically left it for me. Had I been careless? I shouldn’t have taken it off for my recent massage. I began second-guessing myself, the guilt growing by the minute. I couldn’t deal with it, so I shoved it away. I tried not to think about it. I made a point not to look at that empty spot on my neck when I looked in the mirror. Whenever thoughts of it, or of her, would well up, I’d do the mental equivalent of sticking my fingers in my ears and yelling, “LA LA LA LA LAAAA!” I didn’t deal with it.
And so the thought of it came back again and again. I’d look into the mirror and that empty spot would be there. I’d feel that guilt welling up, and I’d shove it away, looking back into the sink, planning my day, anything. “Conceal, don’t feel,” as Elsa said in Frozen.
A few weeks ago, I remembered about that necklace. And those feelings welled up and I felt absolutely awful. And just as I was about to push it away again, I thought, “No. Enough is enough. You are dealing with this right now.” And I stopped, and sat in that emotion. And it hurt. It was uncomfortable. I didn’t like it. But I forced myself to stay there.
I asked myself, “What are you feeling? Define it.” I feel guilty. “Why do you feel guilty?” I lost Nana’s necklace. “Why does that make you feel guilty?” She left it specifically for me. She wanted me to have it. “Did you have it?” Yes, for a long time. “Did you appreciate it? Were you grateful?” Yes. “Did you lose it on purpose?” No. “Would she be angry with you for losing it?” …
And that was what did it. I felt a weight lift from me. No, she would not be angry. Mom knows I lost it. Is she angry I lost her beloved mother’s necklace? No. So why was I feeling so guilty? I didn’t need to. Nana was not in the necklace. Yes, it was a reminder of her, and of her love for me, but I still have that knowledge, and my memories of her, even if I don’t have the necklace. The guilt was completely unnecessary.
I won’t say this was a one-time miracle cure. I thought about the necklace again a couple days later, and I still felt kind of bad, but not nearly as bad as I did before I faced it. So I faced it once more, and reminded myself that it was okay. Now, as I write this, I don’t feel any more lingering guilt about it.
So, what is it that wells up on you when you let your guard down? What past mistakes or experiences are still haunting you years after they happened? Have you faced your emotions, or have you tried to hide them? If you’ve got a basement full of bad memories in your brain, you need to open that door and face them. Start with just a crack, and let out one memory. Then open it a tad wider and work on another. It’s hard, but it’s worth it in the end.
You may consider contacting a counselor who can assist you in working through your issues, especially if you’re having trouble figuring out why you feel the way you feel. It likely won’t be a quick process, but it will be worthwhile. There is such freedom and relief now that I can think about Nana, and picture her necklace, without feeling that weight of guilt on my shoulders. I want that for you, too. So open the door.
