Originally published 9 March 2014.
I haven’t written in a long time, and that’s for two reasons. One is a great reason: I’m doing well. I started this blog to write about my issues with anxiety in hopes my experiences could be helpful to others. I still want that. But it’s hard to think of topics for a blog on anxiety when you aren’t experiencing anxiety! Well, I do still have minor episodes but I’ve been able to use some of the various techniques I’ve talking about in this blog and the anxiety went away before it became too much of an issue.
The other reason I haven’t written is that I find it hard to talk about my anxiety without also talking about my faith. I don’t have a problem talking about my faith, but I don’t want this blog to only be for Christians. The thing is, this blog is about me, my experiences, and ways I’ve learned to get by. Being Christian is a huge part of who I am. If I stop myself from talking about that aspect, I block myself from having much to say.
“But you talked about being Christian in your last two posts,” you protest. Yes, I did. But I wasn’t sure if that alienated some of the people who might otherwise have been reached. At this point though, I have to let that go. I am a Christian and that is going to come up sometimes when I am writing about personal things. And that’s okay. I may lose some readers, but I hope I don’t, because I think I have something to offer regardless of your beliefs (or lack thereof). I think I might be a bit less writers-blocked in the future if I’m not so worried about filtering out or reducing references to my faith.
I also need to decide if I want this blog to be about more than just anxiety. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about my purpose in life. That is the theme in my church this year: Purpose. That has actually come up for me before, in therapy. My counselor felt that if I had a Purpose in life, I wouldn’t be as worried about certain of my triggers because I’d have something to fall back on. The thing is, I don’t know my Purpose.
I took a test a while back to find out what my spiritual gifts are. You’re supposed to be able to get a clue about your Purpose in life based on your individual gifts. I have the gifts of administration and showing mercy. But what does that mean, exactly? What should I be doing with my life to make a difference?
I always thought I was meant to be a writer. I make up stories in my head all the time and I enjoy writing. Does having these gifts mean I’m not supposed to be a writer or can the gifts contribute somehow? I hoped that by writing about my anxiety, by sharing with others and hopefully helping them, I would be doing something worthwhile. I still hope that. What else can and should I do? I have a lot more thinking to do about that. I’m at an age where I feel like I should know the answer already.
That can cause anxiety, actually. (It all comes back to that!) Do you sometimes feel like you don’t know what you’re doing here? Like you’re wasting your time when you could be doing something great? I think a lot of people begin to wonder that if they’re not where they thought they would be when they reach a certain age. A friend recently told me they were turning 30 and starting to think about this sort of thing. And here I am pushing 40. (Two and a half more years, isn’t that crazy?!)
I’m not letting these thoughts about purpose freak me out. I’m thinking and praying about it, and writing this new blog entry was a start, as well. I hope to write more often and you’ll probably read more about purpose. I don’t know what else I’ll write about. I’m still figuring things out. But I hope you’ll come on the journey with me.
