Originally published 27 October 2013.
A lot of us who suffer from anxiety are the sensitive type. We feel things deeply. That means that when things go wrong in our lives, we not only get anxious, we get emotional. Guilt can be a major problem for us.
I’ve been feeling a lot of guilt lately. I look at all the blessings in my life and wonder how I have the nerve to be anxious and depressed when really, I have everything I need. So many people are in worse shape than me, and here I am angsting over my first-world problems.
But you know what? I can’t compare my problems to someone else’s. Yes, I have a home, a job, food to eat, and clothes to wear while others do not. But I still have problems; everyone does. We just have different kinds of problems. No one should ever feel that they aren’t allowed to be worried, upset, or dissatisfied. Those things can be good in a way–they prompt us to move forward and make changes in our lives. The issue is when we let those worries and upsets run our lives.
Just as you can’t always be happy and satisfied, you can’t always be worried and dissatisfied. If you’re struggling with that, try looking at all the things in you life that are good. Make a list. Write down everything good in your life. When we have an anxiety attack, our minds tend to be focused on one bad thing, and we obsess over that. Try to counter the anxiety by thinking of the opposite. The more you think about the good things, the less capacity your brain has to focus on the bad.
In addition to your general guilt about your anxiety, you might be feeling guilt over things you’ve done (or haven’t done) in the past. But guess what? You’re allowed to mess up now and again. No one is perfect, we all know that. Sometimes, despite our best intentions, we’re going to royally screw up. I did just this past week. A friend of mine was in crisis and called me, very upset. Rather than just sympathizing and offering her comfort, I proceeded to tell her she was thinking about things all wrong and that she “just needed to do this-and-that.” Quite understandably, she got even more upset over the course of the conversation and was in worse shape when we hung up than she was when she’d called.
I screwed up. I let her down when she really needed me, and I felt a lot of guilt about that. I called back very shortly after to apologize, and she has forgiven me, but the damage was done. It took me several days to work through that incident. I knew exactly what I’d done wrong and had apologized for it. There was nothing else I could do, so the healthy thing to do would have been to chalk it up to experience, let it go and hope for the best. But that’s not what I did. I thought about it constantly, beating myself up for being such a horrible friend. I had to forgive myself before I could stop obsessing.
Are you anxious over something you did in the past? Feeling guilty about times you messed up? Stop obsessing over it. Tell yourself: “I know I messed up when I did xxxx. This is what I learned from the experience. If something similar happens again, I’ll handle it this way instead.” Great. Now stop thinking about it and move on!
Of course, this is easier said than done, but it’s something you can work on over time. It doesn’t mean you won ever feel guilty again over your anxiety or your actions, but it does mean you might be able to get through that period of guilt more quickly. Give it a try; you might be surprised.
