Originally published 13 October 2023.
I mentioned in my last post that I probably have a touch of PTSD. I thought I’d speak a little more about that. I thought PTSD was only for people in the military and people who had been through truly horrific experiences like 9/11. But it turns out you can experience it for smaller things, too.
PTSD stands for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, so it makes sense that it can be triggered by anything traumatic. That incident may not seem like too big a deal in the scheme of things, but as long as it’s traumatic to the person it happened to, it can have long-lasting effects.
My particular traumatic experience was passing out at church. I had no warning that this was going to happen. I felt a little tired that morning, but not sick in any way. I was standing up during the praise and worship portion of the service when I started to feel kind of hot, tingly, and dizzy. I sat down and put my head down, hoping it would pass. It didn’t. After praise and worship when everyone sat down, I leaned over to Mom and told her I didn’t feel well. She asked if I needed to go to the restroom, and I said I thought maybe I did. She asked if I could make it on my own, and I was pretty sure I couldn’t. My sister got up to, to help me get there. I struggled to get out of the pew. My knees were shaky and I could barely stand. I got just out to the aisle and knew I wouldn’t make it any further. I just let go.
I don’t think I ever fully lost consciousness, as I remember feeling movement all around me. I was half-dragged, half carried a little bit, then swept up into someone’s arms (my brother-in-law’s, I found out later) and carried fully outside into the lobby, where I was placed on a couch. Once on the couch I started to come around.
There were already paramedics there due to an earlier incident, so I was seen right away. My blood sugar and blood pressure were normal. They asked if I wanted to go to the hospital for more tests, and I said yes, so I got a ride in an ambulance. (Expensive!!!) It turns out the fainting spell was caused by a daily anti-anxiety medication I was on, so I got off that post-haste!
Anyway, after that, I was scared to go to church. I actually had to take an anti-anxiety pill (a different one for anxiety attacks, rather than the daily) to even be able to get into the car the following week. The week after that, I didn’t take a pill but I had to focus really hard during praise and worship because my mind kept going back to the incident. I was literally having flashbacks. I can go to church now without feeling too much anxiety, but I can’t sit in the same area where we sat that day. Basically, if my view of the stage is the same, I’ll still have flashbacks and feel very nervous and uncomfortable.
My PTSD is very mild and doesn’t affect my daily life too much, except for the occasional thought of “What if it wasn’t the medication after all? I could faint at any time.” I hate those thoughts.
Sometimes, between the general anxiety disorder and the PTSD, I feel like my life is ruled by fear. Part of me wants to go back on a daily medication to take the edge off, but I was so traumatized by that one experience that I’m scared to. I feel like the cowardly lion in the Wiz. Dorothy and the others told him of their quest to find the Wiz, and suggested he might come with them to get some courage. He said he’d like to he couldn’t. When they asked why, he answered, “Because I’m scared!”
The Wiz turned out to be a failed politician from New Jersey who couldn’t give the lion any courage. But it turned out he didn’t need anything from a fake Wiz, because he had that courage inside him all along. I’m not sure how much courage I have in me. I have the courage to seek advice and counseling, and to talk about my issues openly, so that’s a good thing. I don’t know if I’ll ever get up the nerve to try another med. I’m in therapy and and focusing on my prayer life and relationship with God, in hopes that I can control my anxiety that way. It helps–I find that if I start to get too wound up, I can pause and pray and I’ll feel a bit better. But the PTSD centers around church, so it actually distracts me from focusing on God.
So far, God has not seen fit to remove this “thorn” of anxiety from me. I’m trying to make the best of it by using my experiences to help others. This blog is the first step, and I’m also working on a book about it.
I’m going to be doing some research about techniques to rid oneself of PTSD. The anxiety will be a longer-term project (probably life-long). If you think you might have PTSD or have been traumatized by something and are willing to share with me, I’d like to hear about your experiences and how you dealt or are dealing with it.Maybe we can help each other!
